Thoughts for Thursday

Deep thoughts, random thoughts...just some thoughts for Thursday.

This year has been pretty crazy for our family. For the most part, an outsider looking in would think we've got everything working for us. However, this just hasn't been the case. Overall, we are well and we have battled the storms, but we are looking forward to the hard parts of 2011 being behind us. Hmm...battled the storms. So I guess today's "Thoughts for Thursday" is leaning more towards deep thoughts. On another Thursday, I am sure you will find me dishing about the Kardashians or something, but today I can't help but want to touch upon heavier subjects.


So many of our friends have been so kind and supportive through many of the downs of this year.  The major downfalls have been the passing of Chad's father, Chad dealing with vestibular issues affecting his own health and work, us experiencing a miscarriage, and the health problems I had that were involved in that experience.  There have been smaller issues too, but those were the big ones. I do not like to complain, and I get annoyed when people play the "I've got it harder" card. All I mean by this, is that I know we all have problems and hard issues, so I by no means think we are the only ones with problems.


Anyways, we are hanging in there and things are looking up. All the sad stuff was really completely out of our control. I feel that what we could control was our attitudes, and thankfully they are in check. It's hard for me to put into words some of my thoughts on all these events. I can say that my health is completely back, and Chad is doing better too.


I won't bore you with a ton of details, but I have had a lot of people ask if I am feeling better. I most definitely am.  Both physically...which pretty much came back after my last IV was taken out...and emotionally, although I can still have my moments. I have found that not a lot of people talk about having a miscarriage, but a lot of people have experienced them.  I now know how difficult they can be and how different everyone copes with them. I was looking for a reason as to "why" it occurred even though I know that cannot be answered.  I know the miscarriage occurred due to an infection caused by a virus. I know I was sick due to bacteria in my bloodstream from the infection. Yet, I felt there was a deeper reason of "why" this happened to me and I wanted to know what it was.


Along with losing our son, my health was drastically threatened as well. My body was in bad shape. My organs were all swollen to where I couldn't move, and I had pneumonia in both lungs so I was put on oxygen to help me breathe. Before they figured out what was going on with me, I was told by two doctors that what I had may be fatal. That is something that grabs your attention and gets you reflecting about things. At least for me, that was the aftermath thought process.  In the moment, I was more focused on the fact they said it just may be fatal, not that it was fatal.  So while I was thankful to be alive after the whole ordeal, I was trying to figure out how I was suppose to grieve and how I should now see my life. I was looking for answers and a good friend told me that "it's just life". She did not say it in an insensitive manner at all, but just plain spoken with some sympathy added in. I think those three words summed it up a lot, but I still can't just brush things off. What we went through was major for us, and it was very real.


My deep thoughts are rambling now and I am wondering if I will actually post this.  I did write up my experience in more detail once and decided against sharing it. This all just happened two months ago. Mainly... I have just taken time to heal. I've allowed every emotion and just taken it day by day. I have felt sorry for myself, and felt extremely grateful to be alive. I have cried my eyes out, and looked at my husband and daughter through tears of happiness. I have hugged my family members and friends, and I even snapped at a good friend for no good reason. I traveled to see family, and had family come to visit. I have spent time with others, and I have spent time alone. I have read books, watched movies, gone on walks, and tried new things. I recently painted, took a zumba class, rode a mechanical bull, and now just spilled my thoughts on a blog I started back up.  Basically, I have just been living......it is just life, and thankfully life is good.